When we begin to question our thoughts, when we are asked to look at the way in which we speak to ourselves it can mean uncomfortable...damn uncomfortable internal observations. It is the little or not so little ugly thoughts that bounce around in our heads on replay all day long that capture our excitement and cause us to feel defeated before we have given ourselves a chance..and it usually all begins with the opening of our eyes. When we begin to really look at the thoughts that hold us back from joy, happiness, contentment..from actually LIVING, we are at the beginning of a new future both for ourselves and those around us.
It is during conversations, that which is not said but perhaps implied that does the most damage. The dreaded unsaid, the elephant in the room..those are our thoughts that we do not speak out loud but ROAR instead in our thoughts. To begin to purge ourselves of these thoughts..I am not good enough, I am fat, I am ugly, I never spend enough time with my children , spouse, dog, I eat too much, I should to this or I should to that or..THEY should do this or that or be this way or that way, etc., we have to name them, say them out loud perferably with someone else as a witness..even better..the person we have these thoughts about.
Dealing with ourselves only here is an example.
Petey: You are so beautiful, I love you!!
Candy: you are crazy, what do you want!!(unsaid thought, I am not good enough, he could not possibly love me, there must be something wrong with him too.)
Candy: Could you take out the trash?
Petey: You are such a nag, I'll do it in a minute. (unsaid thought, crap she told me to do it before but I forgot..I am such a failure, I can never admit it so I have blame her for nagging me because it is too painful to admit I failed her.)
In both instances it is an internal ugly dialogue with oneself that causes a shifting of blame onto someone else so that we don't have to deal with the UNSAID thoughts and feelings, but they are there as loud a clear as if we have shouted them with a blow horn. When the thoughts are actually ABOUT someone else it is even more intersting.
If we have the thought my spouse is a lazy butthole, how then do we interact with said spouse? If we have the thought my partner is the most amazing, caring, wonderful person on earth, will we interact with them on a different level..and when we have BOTH thoughts about the same person, even simultaneously...WATCH out..craziness is on its way. Yet how often does this occur within us?
If we could say to said spouse, when you didn't take out the trash after the fifth time I asked you I really felt like you let me down, I was really waiting for you to step up and take out the trash, then when you did not I felt like I did not matter to you so then I took it out to show you I could do in on my own, which then gave me the feeling of being all alone and I began to think that you are a lazy butthole...when I was little I had to do all the chores, more than my brother and the feelings that came up were the same kinds of feelings I had as a small girl. It was weird...and I realize now that my feelings had nothing to do with you or the trash and everything to do with my past. Now..wouldn't that be profound..the implications are stunning.
Sometimes during our journey here on earth we will absolutely need to express the unsaid in order to create a new possibility, to rewrite our futures we have to complete the past with honesty and integrity.
From my heart to yours...
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